Again it was Christmas, and some people even had to work, but in the most families the birth of Jesus Christ was celebrated. In many families this day is only about spreading more or less useless presents, in others a feast of altruism is celebrated. This year it was completely different in my family.

Like always we were four persons sitting at the dining table. My mother, my father, my brother and me. Of course there was an exquisite meal at our place, too, and small attentions had been spread out, but in my honest opinion the ambiance was not convivial nor ceremonial. More it was the generic standard ambiance, which had been dominating in our family the past years. I guess the reason for this was mainly my brother, although the others also were not innocent. My brother has big problems in social relationships, which caused bigger problems for him in kinder garden, in school and later also in profession. Actually mostly he was sitting at home, exercising spirited topics, which did not help him improving his social contact to humans or finding an adequate job.

Discussions about him had been the daily routine, mostly only my mother spoke with my father. If someone said anything then the other just stated the opposite, and, no matter if the statement of the first person was correct or even consistent, it was always criticised and blashed by the other.

So, it was Christmas and again there were discussions ongoing, however with a rough tone and relative loudly, it is fair to say it had been argued and shouted. At some of these verbal disputes of my parents a glass or a plate broke at the wall, once even the glass of the entrance door was cracked.

When I was participating in this quarrels again, facing the fact, that on the calendar I could read December 24th of 1996, I had enough and ran up the stairs into my room, fell down onto my couch and started to cry straight away. I was 20 years old and at least since five years this fighting between my parents was daily routine. Only negative topics came to my mind. Why are my parents always arguing, why did my dad move out from at home, why do my parents want to get divorced, why is my brother causing so much trouble, why is my family like it is, why me. Moreover I was thinking about why I never had a real girlfriend and why I never had real sex. I was laying on the couch drilling my face into the pillow and crying. I was weak, I had no idea how to continue and I was lacking a girl so much. Since I had been very shy, I was struggling hard finding a solution, in order to find a girl finally so that at least I can be happy with her. But nothing came to my mind…

I was thinking again about a girl, who lives at the end of the street, not far from the house where our family is living. I knew her from the grammar school already and later from high school, but I only knew who she is and I knew her name. She did not know me, maybe only by sight. But we never talked. Since some years I was more than violently in love with her, but I had no idea, how I can make it towards her, even worse, I did not know, that I just would have to step up to her. Suddenly I had an idea which was a little bit uncommon. I was feeling powerless and was praying to God:

“Dear God, please make it possible that me an this girl can talk with each other in our minds, that finally I am able to say to her how wonderful and sugar sweet she is, and that we will be able to get to know to each other in this way. Amen”

I must admit, this wish was not very normal, but maybe this idea came from my junking behavior and abuse of weed, sometimes I was smoking one or even two grams per day. Also I already had experiences with harder drugs like cocaine and LSD. I was crying a little bit more and soon I went to bed.

Time passed. I lived my life, went to school, sometimes not, but made music in the studio at a friends place. There had been good and bad days and also often quarrels between my parents caused by my brother. I was also going on vacations, these times more with friends than with my family, because my family wouldn’t go on vacation because of my brother. Some day I heared that a friend of my dad got a house at New York City, and that it would be possible for me to stay in it, if I would travel there. I was really enthusiastic about this idea, so in summer of 1997 I had been flying with a friend to New York City for the first time. This city was really impressive and when I came back after two weeks I did not get enough, I wanted to go back, but I had to be patient with this idea.

Again it was Christmas, time runs faster the older you get, that attracted my attention already with my few 21 years. This years Christmas celebration was much better. Since one or two weeks I had my first real girlfriend and I wanted to go with her to the mountains, she wanted to teach me snowboarding. My family did not really interest me anymore, because now I had my girlfriend — actually she made the first step in our relationship. So we went into the mountains and I really got trained in snowboarding by her. Also we had been together in bed, but we had no sex, I assume I was not ready for this yet, or maybe I didn’t love her at all? Sometimes I was still thinking about this other girl who was living at the end of the street in the neighbourhood. I guess I was not satisfied with my girlfriend. I think she was feeling this and so we drifted apart soon. All in all it was a two month lasting relationship, which gone by very fast.

The upcoming year for carnival season finally the time has come. This time I was flying with two classmates to the city which never sleeps. Again the flight was hard, and I couldn’t smoke since on intercontinental flights smoking was not permitted. I was really bored and just agitated. I watched the good looking stewardess how she was taking care of the passengers and thought, that she is maybe more attractive than the girl from the end of street or not. I thought things like “You are really cute” or like “Look here, I like you”. And as like she understood what I was thinking of she looked to me. I didn’t expect this but in the same moment when I was thinking this she looked to my seat. I thought, wow, she is doing what I am thinking of. I tried the same on other people in the plane. Sometimes they reacted somehow alike and I thought again, wow, that´s not possible. I was trying to explain this to myself but I did not came to a result. Somehow I came to the conclusion, that there must be something like telepathy in between humans, and that this somehow goes together with something higher greater: God.

The whole flight I was playing mind games with the passengers and they nearly always reacted physically somehow with special movements, it was like magic. Often I put “Trust in God” in their minds. Magically the person was looking down and I had the feeling they were fearing of something and so I felt safe that my thoughts could be understood by anyone on the plane.

When we arrived at the airport in New York, I finally was able to smoke a cigarette and I continued playing my thoughts and was starring at the people and waiting as long as they reacted. It was quite fascinating. Some days I went on with these tries and started to talk about this phenomenon to my classmate. He was listening very interested and told me that this must be some gift. I was feeling confirmed by his answer and did not think about anything bad.

Slowly I was feeling comfortable with the telepathy and deepened the mind games, which I was starting to practice as a kind of sports. Soon the reactions of the persons were not only physically anymore, moreover I started to sense their thoughts, mostly when their bodies did not react. They seemed to answer me.

But there was a problem: More and more I concentrated on the telepathy level, so these days I was not speaking too much, nor I was able to understand the spoken language of my counterpart completely anymore. The Neighbors in New York, whom I already got to know the last year, noticed that I was only able to react very slowly and asked, if everything is all right. I was feeling very powerful and I did not consider the fact that my answer came to my lips with a bigger delay, and I said something like: “I am all right, it can’t be better.”

I started to wonder, why I suddenly had these capabilities. Like a flash it came to my mind: Some time ago I made this wish on Christmas — what in the world — did God answered my prayer?

At once I was with all of my thoughts at her, my big unfilled love, the girl from the neighborhood. Slowly I started to hear answers from the people I communicated on the level of telepathy — it was like there had been voices in my head — I tried to reach her on this level from New York. Crazy, I had her answers in my head, too, I was able to “talk” to her. My wish was fulfilled.

We were talking about anything and about the fact how wonderful it is to talk inside the mind to each other. The people whom I’ve seen on the streets more and more reacted to the mind exchange I was practicing with the girl. If we talked about positive things, people seemed to be happier and if we argued the faces of the people really didn’t look satisfied at all, even people just started to shout. I really was on a kind of trip, which seemed to be absolutely real, and had nothing in common with delusion.

Back at home and after hours and days of mind exchange with any sort of people, but mainly with her, I was able to use these capabilities with friends, my family and also strangers, whom I did not know yet. For example I was able to ask someone if it would be okay to call him now, or sometimes I felt some friend saying that I should call him now. When I called a friend in such a moment, I was asking him if he really thought about this right now, that I shall call him. For my total frustration the answer was a very clear “No”. I explained to myself, that I only was able to connect to someone’s subconsciousness, and that the people do not know in this moment what’s going on inside their subconscious level, and that only this subconsciousness is providing me answers. And now it was again logical and reasonable, that I am capable of telepathy.

The thoughts started to be more and more dominant and when my parents tried to talk to me about something else than this phenomenon, I just did not reply verbally anymore but continued the trip inside my mind. They started to ask if I am okay, but on my trip I was feeling more than perfectly, so I answered: “Everything is okay. It can not be better.” But one evening the voices, thoughts and ideas of the other persons in my mind could not be switched off and I stayed awake the whole night in my bed. I could not get no sleep. There I realized that I cannot continue this way. From everywhere Voices came down to me, the lovely voice of my neighbor girl, voices of friends, colleagues. And all of them were nice and happy to be able to communicate with me. I tried to find a solution to switch off these voices in my head, which God gave me like in a fairy-tale. The solution I found was that of course now I need to meet the girl and if we will kiss the spook in my head will disappear forever…

In order to get this whole to a happy end and in order to get a clear proof, I told her more than once in my mind to call me, but my telephone did not ring. She told me that Names and Numbers cannot be transmitted by telepathy and of course she did not know my number. When I tried to call her then, I looked up her number in the phone book, somehow never anyone picked up the phone, only her answering machine. Finally she told me in her thoughts that I shall come over personally.

More than once I talked to my parents about my new talent but they were more skeptical. After another night without any sleep I told my parents that I want to go to her because then it will stop. They did not really like this idea and they had also seen that I am not really fit. They more wanted a doctor to take care of me but I did not want this. I couldn’t stand the confusion in my mind anymore much longer. It was nearly chaos inside of me. After the next night, again without any sleep I decided to go to her.

I rang the doorbell. Nobody opened, in my mind she told me she is not yet at home. I walked slowly and weak, three nights without sleep, to the next park. After about one hour the message entered my consciousness that she is back home. I recollected all my courage and went back to the door: Again no answer. The difference this time was that she asked me to go to the garden, again in my mind. There I sat down on a rocking chair. I looked around and waited. In the very moment where I’ve seen the ladder, she was “telling” me, I shall climb up to the balcony using the ladder. After some moments, I was encouraged enough to do so. I lent the ladder against the balcony and was slowly climbing step by step upwards to the balcony.

I was standing in front of a big window and, oh my God, the girl was there, nearly naked wearing a slip only. In the background for my bad luck I have seen a young man, who also was dressed with boxer shorts only and laying in the bed. I thought: She fooled me, in her thoughts, but much more I did not think anymore. The Girl opened the door and shouted: „Peeper!“ I think all three of us had a shock. She went to the telephone and called the police. The young man, who seemed to be her lover or maybe a one night stand, came to me and hit me three or four times. But I still felt very good and powerful being on this trip. I was able to tell them just one thing, and I repeated it more often: “Trust in God!”

I was telling the same also to the policemen, when they conducted me away to the police station and there they even took my fingerprints. From now on I was a so called offender and just because I was loving this girl. And I still did not get rid of my problem with the many voices in my mind. I couldn’t understand how this accident could happen and I was very weak because of no sleeping. When I came back home the girl already had called my parents and told them everything what happened. They asked again if they shall call a doctor and since I did not know anymore what to do I said finally it’s okay.

Inside the ambulance I was brought to a psychiatry where these mind games continued the next six weeks, although I was influenced by very strong drugs there. They slowed down my movements and my thoughts extremely, and viewed from outside I must have been looking a little bit like a zombie. My visitors told me this later. In my mind I still was talking a lot to the girl and also in real to her answering machine. But in real there was never any answer from the girl. From her point of view I am more or less only a peeper, but for me she was my greatest love. My interest for these mind games decreased after the doctors told me the diagnosis: a schizoaffective disorder. I needed many more years to get over this whole experience and to understand everything what I learned.

Nearly no one of my former friends who visited me in psychiatry, is still a friend of me, and this is not my fault. Only one of them is still talking normally to me, and he has got his birthday on December 24th.

Life’s a b**ch and she is beautiful